You know the old saying "insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"? Well, I get that. And I get that I've been trying to bury this time and time again and it's done nothing but destroy me from the inside out. I know I need to face it, overcome it, and move on.
But I am fucking terrified!!!!!!!!
I can't even pinpoint why I'm so scared. I do know that I don't feel strong enough to go through this. I feel small and weak and useless. I'm going to go in for an hour twice a week and bare it all just to go home alone and fall apart from it. I don't know if I can handle that. And the shame!!! The shame that comes along with all of this. It's too much. I have conflicted feelings that are flooding my brain and body. I think I will explode.
Then I try to look at the other perspective, the perspective of the one in denial. It makes this world and this life seem even more fucked up than before. Who has it worse, us or them? Is this even a battle? Not really but it's all just so fucked up. I mean, people do fucked up shit and the rest of us have to deal with the consequences? No! I didn't ask for this!
I'm still left picking up the shattered pieces of my life, though.
No comments:
Post a Comment