Day One

I'm sitting here alone in my apartment, listening to the hum of the refrigerator. My mind is totally blank and I can't feel anything. Except losing my fucking mind... THAT I can feel. I don't even know where to begin. There is so much shit to wade through and I feel too tired to start. I'm always tired, though. I read somewhere that people with depression need more sleep to function. I wonder if that's true or if I'm just that fucking lazy. I do that a lot. I turn any reason or excuse into an attack on myself. It's MY fault I'm like this. It's MY fault I haven't fixed it yet. I hate journaling because I feel that I make absolutely no sense. I feel sorry for anyone who reads this.

I have work in an hour and I'm absolutely dreading it. I would much rather stay at home and sleep. But if I were off today then I would hate that too. I'm hardly ever happy these days and I'm getting tired of it. I'm pretty sure other people are getting tired of my shit too. Oh hey, I have a card for that- "Mind Reading: thinking that you know what another person is thinking or feeling, especially related to you." But how do I fix that?? How do I fix the way I have been thinking and acting for 25 years?? That seems insane to me. Impossible, really. I cannot physically imagine myself ever being different. I cannot imagine myself much longer in general. When I "look at my future" I see nothing. I guess I'm still waiting to get hit by a car or something. At least I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore.

I hate being alone. I've always felt like I could be on my own and be just fine but anytime it happens I just fall apart. I shouldn't have to rely on others for me to be ok. But I do. How can I be ok being alone? Is it even possible? This brings me to a question I think of often: What is normal? Am I normal for feeling this, for feeling that, for doing this, for doing that. Or am I just crazy and stupid?

Life is complicated. And annoying.