Day Six

Today was a pretty shitty day. I had terrible customers and some of my coworkers were getting on my nerves as well. I had to keep reminding myself that other people's actions reflect them, not me. It's still hard to deal with people who want to blame you for the dumbest things. Like, it's not my fucking fault you can't read a sign correctly or that you're the worst at time management. Oh, you have to be somewhere in 20 minutes and you don't have time to wait in line?? NOT MY PROBLEM. Idiots. So many idiots.

Then I ended up getting one of the worst (and weirdest) headaches. I've always gotten headaches but this one was so intense that I honestly felt I was going to pass out. My hearing kept going out like I was about to faint and then I got a fever. It was just awful. Luckily it passed before the CODA meeting. I had severe anxiety the entire time I was there. That meeting was very different than other meetings I've been to. I didn't talk at all but I'm hoping next week I'll work up the courage to. The people were nice but so, I don't know, loud and happy. Does that make sense? It actually started making me sad and angry listening to some of them go on about all this wonderful stuff going on in their lives and I just sat there like "well fuck you". That's so wrong of me. They're such nice people and I got mad at them because I was jealous. I'm a terrible person.

So I came home and went to the gym again to run it all off. I did day 2 of C25K. I think it's helping actually following the program instead of jumping back into it suddenly. My shins are still feeling ok which is a good sign. And guess who has called and emailed me haha. I KNEW after she saw me at work she was going to contact me. She really wants me to come see her again but I just can't afford it. Plus I know I'd be wasting our time and my money because let's face it, I have no intentions of recovering at this point. I'd rather be 70lbs and dying than living at this weight. Maybe if my weight gets under 100 again I'll go see her. Maybe...