Well these new distortion cards hit a little too close to home.
Personalizing. Yes. I do that often. Even when I can see that others are to blame for things I eventually overthink it to the point where I end up turning the blame on myself. Like my last relationship, I have gotten to a point where I'm blaming myself for it going to shit. While I agree that I was a part of it, definitely, I mean there were things I needed to have done differently, I was not the entire reason. I have to put the responsibility where it really belongs. Partly on me and partly on her. She did things she shouldn't have either. It was not all my fault. It was not all my fault. It was not all my fault.
This brings me to Regret. There are a lot of things in my past that I regret and I will admit that I think about them more than I should. For instance, lately I've been dwelling a lot on how much I regret not taking finance courses while I was an undergrad because I want to partly blame me not finding a job on that. Well, there's not a damn thing I can do about that. But I can take those courses now if I really find the desire or need to. I constantly regret all the shit I did my senior year of high school but again, can't do anything about that now. Except not act that way again. I cannot change my past, no matter how much I want to. It's very hard for me to accept that but it is the truth. One of my favorite books/movies is The Lovely Bones and this card reminds me of one of my favorite lines from it: "You're not supposed to look back, you're supposed to keep going." This will be tough to change.
Emotional reasoning. I don't have much to say on this one at this point. I'm not sure if I actually let my feelings guide my interpretation of reality or if it's the other way around. I still feel as if it's the other way around.
Shoulds. Ohh the fucking shoulds card. Yea, there are a lot of things I "should" do. I'm living this right now. I just graduated with my masters degree, I should be doing fantastic. But I'm not. However, I will go out of my way to make sure my family doesn't know that. I have to be ok or else they'll be upset with me. Is that really true, though? Or am I just making them something they're not? I don't know because I do this everytime. I hide what's really going on because I should be a certain way and I can't let them see otherwise. I'm at the end of my rope on this one and it will eventually blow up in my face. I can't keep putting this unnecessary pressure on myself. As everyone likes to tell me, I'm my own worse enemy. Not only that but I have these rules for myself that magically don't apply to anyone else. How does that even work?! How can I sit there and tell myself I have to do one thing but to others it's ok that they don't? Logically, that just isn't right.
Ugghh I'm exhausted from working on all of this. Every day just completely drains me. I wish I wasn't doing this alone. I feel like such a needy little shit to my therapist because she's the only one I can talk to at this point. It's not fair to her to have to deal with me as much as she does. I'm incredibly grateful that she hasn't given up on me, though. I expected to have been dismissed by now or something. My point is, she's pretty fabulous.
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