Overcome

I knew this was a bad idea. This whole trying to get better thing. It just opens more wounds and frustrates the shit out of me. It's incredibly hard and I'm left to just deal with it all alone. How the fuck does anybody manage to do that?! The only other time I ever took therapy seriously and honestly was when I was inpatient and at least when I was there I was constantly in group and around people who understood and could help. This time it's like "oh here's an hour to reflect on how much you're fucked up now go off and deal with it". Honestly, it's making me want to delve more into bad habits just to numb everything. I don't know what is worse: trying to ignore the entire situation until I end up with a stomach full of pills or trying to deal with it, actually feel and acknowledge what's going on until I end up grasping onto every bad thing to help water the feelings down. I can't even think straight right now. I feel weird. I've been feeling weird all night. My head feels funny and unclear. And I'm so pissed.... I spent an entire day last week cleaning my apartment and it's already wrecked again. I have a sink full of dishes and laundry everywhere plus all the shit I keep throwing on my living room floor and table. Why can't I just pick everything up and keep it clean? I mean, how hard is that?? It's not! Which just makes me even more frustrated!

Speaking of the whole "acknowledging what's going on" thing, I have these distorted thinking cards or whatever the hell they're called that I'm supposed to consciously notice when they happen. Ookkkk well I do notice when most of them happen but here's the thing, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT?! Yea, I KNOW what I'm thinking is wrong but how do I fix that?? Noticing it and pointing it out to myself just makes me more annoyed and upset because it keeps happening and I don't know how to make it stop. I feel like I'm stuck in a nasty cyclone of shit. I just keep going around and around and around and I'm fed up with it.

Whatever, I'm going to bed.