There is nothing I hate more than being used. Unfortunately, it happens a lot. I seem to only exist when people need something and I'm tired of it. After everything we've been through my ex decides she doesn't want to be together (well, at least right now, her words). Yet she doesn't seem to have a problem asking me to watch her two cats for a week because she didn't pay her pet deposit (after I told her she needed to, idiot) and her complex was doing a check. Well she's broke and can't afford the deposit or the fine so I agreed to help. Mistake number 1. These damn cats have slowly destroyed my apartment the past week and I keep telling her that. I expected her to come this weekend, like preferably yesterday or today, to get them. Then today she decides to tell me "oh I was planning on coming tomorrow and we could hang out." Um. Excuse me? I work all day. And I would have appreciated you telling me sooner and, I don't know, asking if it was ok. Stop assuming!! Well, she's gone and made plans to go to a concert tonight with her roommate. So I'm stuck dealing with these cats another night because she assumes it's ok and that I will help her at any moment. She has no regard for my life or feelings. I fucking hate it. I wish I had never met her, actually. Definitely wish she would have never fallen in love with me and that I hadn't have gotten involved. Mistake number 2. She really is the worst. And she doesn't even see it. So why do I still love her? Why does it still hurt so much? Why can't I just tell her to go fuck herself and cut her completely from my life? Well, she's everywhere. All of my greatest memories are tainted with her. I wish I could redo everything.
I kind of feel sorry for her at the same time. She will probably end up so alone because I don't know how anyone would be ok and agree to put up with her shit. Plus, her family doesn't even know she's gay and they will most likely disown her for that. Oh well, I guess it's not my problem anymore. But I do hate being alone. I wish I had someone again. Actually I just wish I could be ok being alone for now until I find someone better. How do I do that? How do I be ok just being on my own? And watching her "enjoy" her life with her friends who she secretly treats like shit behind their back. That makes me so mad. She doesn't even care about others yet everything works out for her. I just want karma to bite her in the ass so fucking hard that she loses everything. I want her to suffer more than I do.
Really I just want to cut myself from all feelings. When I get like this I stop eating and start drinking. It definitely helps numb everything out. I've even contemplated smoking to see if it would help too. Anything to not feel. I can't handle my feelings most of the time. They're way too strong and overwhelm me. I'm tired of the people in my life and how they treat me. I'm tired of always being there for others and nobody even giving me a second glance. I'm fucking sick of it. I want everyone to just leave me the fuck alone and go to hell with their stupid problems. Fuck all of you.
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